THE LIBERATION OF BDSM

If you were on Tumblr during the 2010’s then you surely know what BDSM is. If not, here’s your introduction: BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism and it refers to kink practices where people enjoy sexual play outside the realms of what is considered ‘socially acceptable’ (think: bondage, dominant/submissive play, pain play, etc).

Whenever discussions around the culture of BDSM arrives, there are quite a few voices at the table, mentions of 50 Shades of Grey or Harlequin novels and someone who thinks BDSM is anti-feminist.

Those who believe that partaking in BDSM, as a woman, makes you anti-feminist, especially if you take a submissive role in the play essentially is asking the question – in a society where women are so often dominated by men, how could a women find liberation in the practice of BDSM? They wonder if BDSM is really just mirroring the inequality women find themselves in in society and question whether it is right to practice that in the bedroom.

As an intersectional feminist myself, I need to know more perspectives so I spoke to the exceptional First Nations sexologist, Lauren French.

“Feminism is about equality,” Lauren says, “It’s about everyone being treated equally, equal opportunity and choice. It’s funny because I view it as anti-feminist to say you can’t do something in the bedroom because that’s going ‘too far’ into a stereotype.

“For a lot of women there is amazing freedom in being able to enjoy a sexual fantasy, as long as its consensual, and we shouldn’t have any shame about [it].”

With this being said, some suggest that women being dominated in a BDSM context are perpetuating the concerns women face in the outside world. Although it’s feminist to have equal opportunity, even in bed, is it counterproductive to feminism as a whole?

“I think for people, it’s the idea of choice,” she says, “I am choosing to pick this thing that turns me on, that I want, knowing that it’s consensual, knowing that it isn’t advancing patriarchal norms, knowing it isn’t something that is acceptable outside the bedroom but that it is my bedroom, and this is what I want. I’m allowed to take control of my sexual pleasure and realistically, there is nothing less patriarchal than a woman taking control of their sexuality.

“If we tell women that they can only embrace their sexuality when men are not dominant in that space, we’re taking their choice away.”

Lauren put this idea in context when she says, “If I was walking down the street and someone called me a dirty slut, that’s not okay, I’m not okay with that and that’s not an okay situation. But if I’ve told my partner that I want them to call me a dirty slut then I’m taking control and power over that and asked for something that I want.

“I’m calling the shots and making the boundaries. It comes down to consent. I don’t consent to men dominating me in our patriarchal society, but I can consent to that in my bedroom with my partner.”

This is where the liberation comes in. Despite some ideas of feminism believing that it’s ‘anti-feminist’ to subject yourself to the dominance of men, it’s rather the very definition of feminist (if you want to) – especially if you’ve been given the control to set the parameters.

I recently wrote a piece for Channel Void where I spoke about the ideas of sexual hierarchy – that dominant men are ‘above’, submissive women. Although many believe that doms have all the control in the bedroom, in actuality, it’s the submissive that holds the power. With a single safe word, the play is over.

Women who want to practice BDSM in their bedroom hold this similar power and holding power, when in the outside world you usually don’t, can be extremely liberating. This doesn’t just extend to holding submissive roles within BDSM, it is also extremely liberating to take part in BDSM in a dominant capacity.

The BDSM community also takes consent extremely seriously according to Lauren. “I would say that BDSM and kink communities practice consent better than outside the community,” she says, “because consent is critical, you fully have to plan what’s going to happen beforehand, all agree on it, before you start undressing and getting into the bedroom. During [sex] it is expected that someone will be checking in. After, there are de-briefs and conversation.

“Outside kink communities and BDSM play, a lot of the time, couples might end up in sexual situations where all of a sudden, things are happening that they didn’t realise, or all of a sudden, things are going in a direction that they weren’t anticipating,” Lauren says, “But this doesn’t necessarily happen in BDSM because you have to be so clear with your consent.”

This clarity comes from communication. Open communication surrounding sex is a one-way ticket to enhanced sexual pleasure and the fundamental nature of BDSM and kink simply requires that sort of communication. Even those who don’t or don’t desire to take part directly in BDSM can definitely add elements into their own sex lives, such as the importance placed on communication.

“We don’t communicate about sex enough,” Lauren says, “There is so much assumption, even with our partners, but actually asking and checking in and not being afraid to check in during sex is so amazing. Conversation after sex is really important too and something we tend to miss – we kind of assume we’re all fine.

“It’s confronting and nerve-racking to be open about our sexual wants because they’re the most intimate parts of ourselves,” Lauren explains, “But you’re never going to reach the intense and amazing pleasure that you could if you’re not open and honest about what you want.

“The BDSM and kink community really allows people to have no shame over their wants without having to stick to prescribed ideas of what is ‘normal’. There is so much freedom and once you get a taste of that freedom you can’t get enough.”

Whether you want to introduce a paddle or spank, or you’re ready to install a sex dudgeon in the spare room, challenging or questioning what we might be interested in is always an important aspect of our sexuality. Why not dip your toe into the pool of kink and see how it feels – it might just be the best thing you’ve ever done.