THE MENAGE-A-TROIS

When you engage in a threesome, ideally you want it to be a decision you have given reasonable thought to: you can have any combination of genders, relationships and involvement. Some people like to watch their partners with someone else (cuckholding), while some couples seek that ‘unicorn’—a bisexual person who is comfortable with all genders in the bedroom. Or in an open relationship, you might just be seeking someone who is keen to play with no strings attached.

Either way, consider me halfway between a cool aunty and your best friend when it comes to threesomes. I *want* you to be experiencing the lusciousness that is three bodies in a bed, but I also want to tell you about the threesomes I’ve had, and what you can learn from them.

LESSON #1

Make sure you are of sound mind and body. Drunk and dishonest isn’t hot, folks.

There are some situations you really should avoid—leaving home without your grocery bags, and an unplanned threesome under the influence. This cautionary tale comes from a much younger Jess—a Jess who was making her shitty boyfriend jealous and drank way too much bourbon for a 19-year-old.

Any situation that is intimate requires trust and honesty – is not one you can just haphazardly orchestrate with booze. It won’t be a great time: you’ll be sloppy and unfocused on what should be an erotic exploration of your sexuality.

This isn’t a day I can forget, I was fielding ‘why aren’t you answering me’ texts from my toxic then-boyfriend, so I switched my phone off. I drank glass after glass of over-poured bourbon, and eventually I was making out with her, me with him and then them together. For a small moment, it’s incredibly hot. You’re a little past tipsy and the liquor is encouraging your inner slut to keep feeding that hedonistic self… until the next day comes.

You awake and decide to face reality by turning your phone on. The hangover would be enough, but now you get to spend the rest of the day swimming in the depths of your guilt. Sometimes half a bottle of wine makes it fun and comfortable – other times it can put you in a situation you really don’t need to be in.

LESSON #2

Pleasure should be the aim of the game, not achieving the orgasm.

We all know the saying, “two’s company, three’s a crowd” and undoubtedly, having one extra person makes it hard to share the attention fairly in a social situation. This is before you’re even getting to the sexy stuff! But if there’s one thing you should always keep in mind, is that whatever idea you have about everyone having big, shaking orgasms – forget it. That’s not the aim of the game here. All you need to do is make sure everyone feels goooooood.

Here’s why I believe focusing on pleasure will help with the threesome. So, eight times out of ten with my male partner of 6 years, we have sex that ends in earth-shattering, pussy-tingling, feel-like-I’m-going-to-take-off-to-the-moon orgasms. We get there because of years of experience in knowing what each other likes. But most of all we get there because we both want to please the other through touch, to watch, hear, smell and taste the pleasure unfold.

But when we add in another person, our dynamic changes and the focus is spread out. In a threesome, you’ve got to find the right pace that considers each participant’s pleasure points, kinks, boundaries and preferences. And honestly, I’m already having a good time, because I’m watching them, I’m participating in the journey of their pleasure, knowing that eventually the focus will be on me.
I believe that a threesome has a unique dynamic that is driven by lust and instinct in each moment. It takes time to build up to the pleasure, let alone the orgasm. Don’t be selfish. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

LESSON #3

Know your boundaries and discuss them before you start.

Now while this article obviously isn’t an extensive “how-to” on threesomes, it is important that I touch on the value of communication, consent and boundaries. (We love the FRIES model of consent, so keep that one handy for when you’re about to dive into your first menage-a-trois.) For couples exploring threesomes for the first time, discussing what you are comfortable with and why is extremely important. Imagine inviting someone over to join you, you fool around and later realise you hurt, betrayed or crossed your partner’s boundary.

For many, a “no kissing” rule is often asked for, asking that there be no penetration without protection (very important in the protection against STD’s), or no play unless each participant is in the room. And just so you know, and I’ll say this loudly for the people in the back:

YOU CAN SAY NO AT ANY POINT OF THE THREESOME.

Don’t think that just because you’ve already started you can’t get out of it. Please don’t ever feel like you have to do anything. If you’re not enthusiastic about the experience, just stop.

A couple of years ago, my partner and I were dropping home a polyamorous couple we had met at a party. Being the designated driver, I was already aware of the consequences of having it off with a random couple I’d never met. While I’m always down for a good time, I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about this situation.

They asked us if we want to come inside for a drink (it was midnight already) and so they made shots while I opted for a tea. My partner was reading my subtle cues, and without saying too much, their subtle cues were definitely “wanna fuck?” We eventually excused ourselves and left, and in the car on the way home began the debriefing.

Me: “You seemed like you were keen, so I figured I’d just go along with it.”
Him: “I was just keen to keep drinking but their vibe was weird, hey.”
Me: “I mean yeah, if you want to get down, you’ve got to literally say the words to me. I don’t care if you’re inviting us inside for a drink this late, where’s the communication.”

And that concludes our almost foursome with a random couple – but, threesome, foursome, swinging or otherwise, the lessons are all the same.

Be of sound mind and body before you decide to get involved in a threesome. Don’t be drunk and lying about where you are.
Focus on everyone having a good time in the moment, make the pleasure the main event and I promise the good stuff will cum.
Be clear about what you want, know your boundaries and make consent the most important consideration of all.