Queer girl’s guide to giving great head

Before we get started, consent is non-negotiable when it comes to giving head. There are all sorts of reasons someone might not feel a full-bodied “YES!”: They might want to get a sexual health check first, they might have sexual trauma, they might just be loving the make-out sesh. Respect that, always. And if they enthusiastically consent to having you enter their garden of delights, pay attention to what kind of touch and pace they are setting. Good oral sex has a flow to it – a very sweet dance, indeed.

People with vulvas generally need to be taken on some sort of journey to climax. For some, that journey needs to be slow and sensual, incrementally building in intensity. For some, it needs to be playful and unpredictable. For others, it should be a deep dive right into the heart of chaos.

You see, each vulva has a unique pleasure map. Writer Naomi Woolf likens this to the structure of a piece of seaweed: a complex inter-connection of nerves which splits across all six possible orgasm hot spots. Yep, you heard right: us vulva owners have six ways we can come and we all have a personalised set up of nerve endings which means one person will find it easier to get there through vaginal entrance stimulation, while another might only be able to get there with cervical stimulation.

Basically, we are all sexy snowflake butterflies. Never repeated, always with our own unique embodiment of pleasure. So, a piece of advice: if you have the honour of joining forces in the bedroom with another beautiful butterfly, start fresh. Don’t apply what you know about your own body onto another body.

Due to our pleasure maps all being so different, large clusters of nerve endings can create extreme sensitivity in some areas, which would require a very gentle ‘Midas’ touch with the tongue or finger. Smaller clusters of nerve endings can mean the person will need more intensity and pressure in stimulation to feel aroused in that area at all.

There is no magic guidebook. The keywords here are: experiment, be curious, and if in doubt, smile from between their legs and ask: “Do you like that?” If you’re receiving pleasure in that moment, be honest for God’s sake. Let your authentic expression of joy and pleasure flow forth. (E.g. “Yes, but can you go slower / harder / use circles”.)

It’s okay if you are new to this – asking these questions can feel intimidating in the moment. The vulva can be a hypnotic, layered place. When I teach teenage boys about consent, one of my favourite suggestions is, “most things sound sexy when you whisper them”. Remember you don’t need to surpass your own boundaries in the process. Try to meet their sexual and energetic pace with you own. Remember, it’s okay to communicate your needs too.

Vulva owners are so much more than just this small part of their whole being, so get creative with activating other parts of their body while you are going down. Can you reach their torso or upper body and massage or stroke them? With my long-term partners, sometimes I like to simply rest a hand on their belly or heart to help open their heart or sacral area when they come. You could caress their thighs or squeeze the sole of their foot – all of these actions will help them stay in their body while receiving pleasure.

Don’t forget to breathe. We don’t want you passing out down there. Natural breath is a really important part of orgasming. When giving oral sex, you will likely be co-regulating with your intimate partner, so bring in an awareness of how you are using your own body. Keep your own breath soft and encourage sighing and moaning by authentically allowing your own sounds and movement to happen while kissing, licking and touching. If you want your partner to be relaxed, you will need to mirror that in your own body.

Ask questions. Notice changes in wetness or muscles relaxing or tensing. Ask more questions. Take moments to look at their whole being and body and take them all in. Make eye contact occasionally to remind them they are in safe hands. Trust your instinct, tune into your own pussy. Oral sex is not about your ego, it’s a sexy, unconditional and devotional thing.

Already learned your lover’s body like a delicious recipe? Mix it up by incorporating different places into your love-making. Think: a cheeky backseat session after a dip in the ocean or in the garden with a makeshift picnic. Strawberries, champagne and pussy. Yes please!

Finally, avoid putting pressure on them to reach orgasm and do not assume they came because of a hot sound they made. It can take some people with vulvas a long time to orgasm during oral sex, this could be because they need to continue building trust to fully let go or they have a trauma block which makes surrendering to pleasure a challenge. It could take 20 minutes, it could take a year with a new lover. Nothing is abnormal, so don’t make them feel weird about it.

Honour the sacred beauty of this loving, juicy declaration of queer lovin’.