HOW PORN TAUGHT MY GENERATION HOW TO HAVE SEX
FOR BETTER OR WORSE, ONLINE PORNOGRAPHY CHANGED EVERYTHING.
Bathed in a mixture of LED, shame and lust I remember the first time I masturbated in front of a computer screen. Like clockwork, every day after school I would take half an hour to explore my sexuality in front of my family’s Windows 7.
While pornography, with its heightened depictions of sex, is nothing new—how we interact with it post-millennium is.
Nowadays, you don’t have to worry about scrounging up the funds or an 18-plus friend to buy a Playboy or Penthouse magazine for you. The digital age has made it possible to get every type of porn imaginable, free of charge, in a matter of seconds. Therefore it’s worth examining if, as a generation raised in the glow of internet porn, we relate to our sexuality fundamentally different for it.
WHEN YOU WATCH A LOT OF PORN, ALL THE DUDE DOES IS STICK HIS DICK IN HER A BUNCH OF TIMES, AND SHE’S JUST MOANING AND SCREAMING HER ASS OFF… IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.
“I was just trying to figure out how things would work,” admitted Candace, 22, one millennial interviewed on how porn has impacted her sex life. Almost every other millennial I spoke with described developing an online viewing habit while they were still virgins, turning to Xtube and Brazzers to fill in the blanks left by their schools’ sex education programs.
“Porn showed me what sex could look like. Tumblr showed me the science side, so like why she/he is climaxing. Any remaining questions [went] to the internet,” said Eli, 21. For much of today’s impressionable youth, porn provided a visual example of the mechanics involved—well sort of.
Nicholas, a 21-year-old heterosexual man, described being initially misled by videos’ depiction of male-on-female sex. “When you watch a lot of porn, all the dude does is stick his dick in her a bunch of times, and she’s just moaning and screaming her ass off… and then when you go into the experience [of sex] it’s not like that.” The scenario Nicholas describes is commonplace in online pornography; female actresses in straight porn are notoriously vocal, expressing satisfaction with their scene partner(s) in an exaggerated manner. While this is a choice no doubt encouraged by directors, it can foster unrealistic expectations of sexual response.
“You kind of think anything will be good,” he continued, “but what you quickly realize is for your partner, it might not be.”
Alec, 22 and also straight, said online porn misled him regarding the amount of time it takes to stimulate women to the point where they are ready for penetration. “The girl has to get more wet,” he concludes now, having gained real life experience.
Reversely, when asked if porn accurately depicts the way women get off, 22-year-old Claire responded via email, “I guess there are women out there that get off on aggressive, jack-hammering whatever, but that’s not reflective of what I’ve heard from my friends or my own experiences.” Meanwhile, when asked the same question, the heterosexual, cisgender millennial men interviewed admitted that most porn, at least on a basic level, demonstrated a viable depiction of male sexual pleasure.
MY PORNOGRAPHY PREFERENCES FORCED ME TO CONFRONT MY ORIENTATION. AS I TYPED “GAY SEX” INTO THE GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, THE CORRELATION BETWEEN WHO WAS INSPIRING MY ORGASMS AND WHAT THAT MEANT BECAME INCREASINGLY CLEAR.
This idea of varied gender perspective came up often during interviews, begging the question: who is porn made for? Most videos seem to favor one gender’s fantasies over the other, with the women acting as a vessel for their male partner’s satisfaction. In mainstream porn, it’s not unusual to see an actress gagging on the actor’s dick while he sprinkles down expletives like “dirty whore” or “cock slut.” The performers involved have likely planned this exchange, and this behavior would be fine if consent were reiterated on screen. However, it almost never is. And it’s not likely that a young man, boner in hand while watching this interaction on his laptop, will consider such behind-the-scenes negotiations. This can send the message that this kind of behavior is acceptable without consent, and worse—that women expect it. If this is the case, is it possible that porn is conditioning a generation of boys to believe this dynamic is the norm, and for a generation of girls to expect it?
While not all porn shows male-favored circumstances, female-centric content is less popular with male viewers. In 2015, PornHub reported that women typed something similar to “guy licking pussy” and “man eating pussy” in their search bar 930% more than men did. Keep in mind that millennials (ages 18-34) account for 60% of PornHub’s worldwide users, and 76% of users are male. In the same year, PornHub saw a 260% search gain for men looking up “extreme gangbang” and “creampies,” which is when a man orgasms in a woman without a condom.
It’s in this capacity that online porn can become a dangerous tool, a negligent educator that feeds its viewers false depictions of sex. Naturally, young people internalize what they watch, especially if it’s the only action they’re privy to. This can generate a misalignment between what we expect sex to look and feel like and the actual reality of intercourse.
However, the millennial relationship with porn isn’t all bad.
For a generation that went through puberty with a desktop readily available, the discovery of porn often coincided with the discoveries of our bodies—to outright condemn pornography is to disregard a vital component of millennial sexual development. For many of us, our erotic exploration began in front of a computer screen; our lust acting as compass as we navigated the hidden depths of worldwide web. This demystified sex, introduced many to future kinks, and in my particular case, helped me discover my sexuality.
My pornography preferences forced me to confront my orientation. As I typed “gay sex” into the Google search bar, the correlation between who was inspiring my orgasms and what that meant became increasingly clear. Maybe I should write to the PornHub execs and thank them?
Despite all the inaccuracies perpetuated by the industry, more than one millennial interviewed described porn as having a positive effect on their sexual confidence. “I wanted to be as comfortable as those people were to be filmed,” said Puente. She said it helped to see people look uninhibited while having sex, offering an example of a level of performance confidence to aspire to.
However, it was in the same vein mainstream porn fell short for millennial viewers. Many stated they preferred to watched amateur, homemade videos, opting for realness over production. They craved context and a sense of connection between the parties involved, feeling as though porn actors often appear too detached and rehearsed. Overall, most of the millennials I spoke with regard porn fondly. It was their first taste of the real thing, a crucial teacher, and watching online videos of both men and women expressing sexual pleasure helped instill the notion that sex should be a mutually beneficial act, even if the industry depicts this unequally.
While older generations (and even some of our own ranks) will never tire of branding millennials as emotionally stunted, it seems much of what this generation craves sexually are the truths of IRL intercourse: messy, fumbling intimacy.
