Trying vulva on vulva sex for the first time

If it’s something that’s been on your radar for quite some time, stepping into the world of vulva-on-vulva sex can feel intimidating and confusing. It’s really hard to imagine non-penetrative sex because unfortunately, the porn industry has polarised our understanding of what sex should look like. It also doesn’t help that most internet porn centralises the male fantasy and pleasure experience, leaving female pleasure in the shadows. To help get you on your way, we asked Gabrielle Kassel to help us prepare a beginner’s guide for slipping into the world of vulva-on-vulva play the right way.

MASTURBATE

Before you and the vulva-owner you’re crushing on go on a date or even get near each other in the bedroom, I’ve got a fun (one-person) homework assignment for you: self-pleasure Some great places to start:

+ Tease yourself over your panties, tracing every wrinkle, crinkle, slit, or curl before sliding underneath.
+ Keeping your jeans on, grind against a bedpost, sofa edge, or stuffed animal, using the seams to your advantage.
+ Use one well-manicured finger and lube (or coconut oil), to trace the entrance of your bum. Sliding a finger inside, if you desire.
+ Lick your fingers before swirling them around your nipples.

Sarah Sloane, a queer sex educator who’s been teaching sex toy classes at Good Vibrations and Pleasure Chest since 2001 explains: “Masturbating allows you to explore what your body is capable of and what’s on your personal pleasure palette before getting it on with someone else.”

Don’t read it wrong. This assignment isn’t about learning how to touch your vulva-owning partner. No vulva is the same in how it responds to tongue flicks, finger strokes or sensations. This is all about learning what you like so that you can communicate that with your future sexual partners.

EXCHANGE PRONOUNS AND GENDERS

For the record: Not all people with vulvas are women. Sex does not equal gender. Some vulva-owners are agender, bigender, non-binary, transgender, men, gender-fluid, and so on.

“Establishing a foundation where you can both share your gender identities and pronouns sets the stage for more affirming and pleasurable sex,” says Sloane.

If you and your sexual partner haven’t yet exchanged this information, it’s a great discussion to start:

+ “I wish we had had this conversation earlier, but just so you know I use she/her or they/them pronouns and identify as a non-binary femme. How about you?”.
+ “ I just want you to know that I’m a transman and use he/him pronouns. What are your pronouns?”.
+ “Quick question for you: What pronouns do you use? I use she/her.”
Of course, nobody should ever feel forced to disclose their gender identity. But, honestly if you don’t feel comfortable talking about your gender and pronouns with this person, maybe they’re not someone you want to be having sex with anyway?

CHAT LINGO AND LANGUAGE

“A lot of people have strong feelings about putting words to body parts either because some words grind their gears, or because they’re gender non-conforming and find certain words dysphoric,” says Sloane.

When it comes to naming your vulva in the bedroom and respecting the names other people have for theirs, Sloane suggests a noun and adjective check ahead of time.
Sussing out these preferences can be as straight-forward as:

+ “I honestly really hate the word “cunt” but love the word “pussy” and love being told how strong I am during sex. Do you have any word preferences?’.
+ “I read an article that recommended talking about what words we like for our genitals before we have sex. I don’t have enough experience to know what words I like yet. But do you know what your preferences are?”.
+ “I refer to myself as having a “vulva”, so can you use those words during sex?”.

Maile Maliguis, director of operations with #Open, a dating app designed to help folks of all orientations, desired relationship-styles, and genders adds that you can also use texting or direct messaging to ask or share this information.

The more you practice communicating openly about your sexuality, the more confident you’ll become communicating, so although text is not always preferable to in-person dialogue, it’s a great place to start exploring your sexual voice.

TALK ABOUT BARRIER METHODS AND STI STATUS

“Vulva-on-vulva may tend to transmit STIs less frequently than other body combinations,” says Caitlin V., M.P.H., clinical sexologist for Royal, a vegan-friendly condom and lubricant company, “but that doesn’t mean you can skip the safer sex conversation altogether!”.

The first step in the safer sex conversation is learning your own current STI status. And the second step is exchanging that information with your partner.

If one or more partners has an STI—or doesn’t know their STI status—you should use a barrier. Because the type of barrier you use will vary based on sex act, I recommend investing in dental dams, gloves, and condoms ahead of time.

THE IMPORTANCE OF CONSENT

Some vulva-owners sleep with another vulva-owner after years of wanting to, or even after mere weeks of sexting about it. For others it happens during a random night out or during a particularly frisky sleepover party in high school.

Regardless of how it happens for you, make sure your partner is as equally enthusiastic to get down before ~the going~ gets down.

This isn’t something we’ve been taught very well, but here are some lines to try:

+ “I’m so into you, can I kiss you?”.
+ “Do you want me to touch you?”/ “Am I allowed to touch you?”
+ “Do you want to spend the night together?”
+ “What makes you feel good?”

And remember: the communication shouldn’t stop once the movement starts.