Exploring relationships and consent

HAVE YOU ALWAYS ENJOYED SEX?

“My mother was (and is) a hyper-sexual person, and she taught me that a healthy relationship had to = healthy sex. But for so many years, I had no idea what ‘healthy sex’ actually meant… I just thought it meant having sex. Through my first relationship, which I entered as a young teen and stayed in right through to early-adulthood, I clung to the assumption that sex was required of me, rather than something that was designed for my benefit and pleasure.”

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE CONSENT?

“It’s funny, as a nurse – I know exactly what consent is, from a legal standpoint. In order to cut someone open, they have to know all the risks and benefits associated. They have to understand what’s entailed in the procedure, and then make an educated and informed decision about what’s happening to their body. I never thought of consent being as complex as that when it came to sex… but it is.

It seems, well, a given, but it took me until well into my twenties to understand that consent is mine to freely give and no one could ever take that from me… not even a long-term partner. This is a personal experience that I’ve never spoken about freely, but I’ve slowly learned that any sort of unwanted sexual act that violates consent is assault. It doesn’t matter if the culprit is a stranger, a friend, a family member, or your partner.”

WHAT REVOLUTIONISED SEX FOR YOU?

“It was only when I had started exploring my own body and my own pleasure that I started understanding how to have good sex, but it also came hand-in-hand (for me) with finding the right partner. He still asks me verbally every single time if he’s allowed to touch me, which is really important to me. Before him, I never felt confident enough to say ‘no’ – and this partially stemmed from the idea that I needed to be loved and wanted, and sex was the answer to being loved and wanted – but I was also rarely given the opportunity to say no.”

WHAT HAS EXPLORING YOUR SEXUAL IDENTITY MEANT?

“It’s made me be so proud to be a woman, and given me this insane combination of strength and softness that I never thought I could own.”

 WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU’D KNOWN ABOUT SEX AS A TEENAGER?

“I am in charge of who touches my body. Saying ‘no’ doesn’t make me a bad, unlovable person.”